Life can be a funny thing. It takes on so many different shapes and sizes and perspectives, opinions and points of view. I used to be wounded by all of this, until I grew…
You see, I have always been a highly perceptive person as a child and VERY sensitive. And because I didn’t understand this, I didn’t know that there was any difference between what I was experiencing and actual reality in a lot of situations and circumstances. In others I did take a more objective point of view. But one thing is for certain, I tended to be the only one remotely like me which with lack of understanding became very difficult indeed. I see things differently.
If you have any kind of self awareness like me, then you’ll find it very difficult without learning how to to discern. Plus when you are sensitive, caring, considerate and forgiving, then you can’t always see what you need to see. Plus there are times that you might think that you’re right and you’re completely not and missing the mark. “It is simple, but it is not easy.” So there is a fine line, a straight and narrow path, a razors edge, a tight thread to walk through the needle’s eye, between projected blame and self blame. Both forms of blame are caused by fear and walking the path of compassion and Love through the bombs and gunfight is the path to freedom. The fear is the gateway or portal to a new way, a new life, a new world and a new you.
Let me show you…
So I’ll give you an example of a lesson I learned recently…
You’ve got a fairly crowded cafe bar. It’s full of a group of fellow travelers, who have popped in on their journey together. There’s a group of guys and they’re doing their banter. Everybody is there together, some are vocal, some are quiet. They have been traveling together, many of them, for some time. Suddenly one of the lasses has a little bit of a meltdown…
Each individual will have their own perception of events and some may sense or know a little of what went on and some a bit more, while some will think they know but they do not and some will have no clue of anything at all. And most likely, many if not all will have opinions about what went on.
So let’s zoom in and see from the perspective of watching the woman…
Happy good vibe in the cafe bar, feeling good, excited and content. People are chatting and ooo, this sounds interesting over here, this sounds interesting over here. She’s dipping in and out. The guy she used to really like (and there is a whole lot more backstory here) is more engaged with the group again which is nice for her to see, she’s seeing someone else and several suitors in her midst, it’s no big deal and she just sees him as somebody in the group who she’s had a time getting to know and an affinity for. Topics come up and pass by. She comments in direct reply to him, everyone is chatting, this happens a few times. Then he replies to someone else who commented on the same thing and she thinks, ‘oh how funny it’s really looking like he’s deliberately made it a point to not reply to me,’ and her first response is that she wants to laugh. She stifles this because she thinks it may be misinterpreted and she doesn’t want to make a scene…
The conversation moves on, the engagers change. The guy comments on relationship advice and bing! She’s thinking, ‘you what? You of all people are giving relationship advice?’ And then it’s hitting. The extent of how he’s been ignoring and alienating her and how long it’s been going on. All of the past history and everything in a swoop just flares up in a flash. Like he’s just thrown an incendiary device that activates and only hits her. The Monkey mind has gone wild! As the group would say, The Chimp has been triggered. So she tries to filter herself and asks if this suggestion will help with certain situations, trying to be tactful while feeling the surge to stand up for herself and fight, but she doesn’t want to be that whacky irate girl causing a scene… how did women end up feeling bad about standing up for themselves anyways? The organiser speaks up and offers some advice. But the gorilla is already in the mist! And more falls out of her mouth, because there is so much unresolved between them inside.
In her room she finds it hard, yet simultaneously sees how far she has come. She has some cortisol coursing through her body, has presence and is able to relax. The thoughts are slower now than they were in the past and she sees her growth. She sees how the growth phase she’s been in and the events triggering realisations and understandings and all of the different points of view. She knows that he is one of her greatest teachers, events have led up to this moment and this is all happening for a reason. Still, she cannot sleep.
The next morning a phonecall sneaks through her do not disturb and wakes her before it’s time, she arises and gets ready for the training day. She stated in the cafe bar she would love to be able to sit down objectively on the same side and get to the root of things with the guy she was asking for the advice on and if anybody had suggestions on how to ask him to please let her know. What they may or may not have known was that the guy was him. And also, everything that had leading up to that transpired between them…
On the drive along the way, the lesson came and it flashed back to an event in her past that was repeated over and over through her life: the role of the guy who took advantage of her, took her openness, kindness, trust and generosity and mistreated her and that reinforced wounds of rejection and not good enoughness stemming from early childhood. The lad ignoring her and hanging out with his friends and giving her the “crazy chick” label for her reaction to his mistreatment, lack of respect and their mutual lack of skill… was actually a lesson offered to give her learning that he treated her the way that he did because of HIS wounds and that by being stable, confident and full, she could help him by speaking with him honestly and therefore empowering him with the power to see what he could not himself see. The *ping* came in that his behaviour stemmed from wounds as well by some early female figure that because he’d ‘gotten something wrong’ and took a wound to his psyche, he felt “not good enough.” And that “nothing would please her.” What both of them lacked was the wisdom to understand that they didn’t know. And that it was an important responsibility for her to protect, love and cherish her and not give her power away. These are skills as are all skills to learn and grow…
The lesson for her in this is that she took everything personally, ‘self blame.’ So it wounded her because she internalised it and it hurt him because she didn’t have the emotional and mental boundaries to give his stuff back to him for accountability and dealing with (and in reverse). He wouldn’t have any part and ‘projected blame.’ That wounded him because he didn’t deal with his contribution and learn from it and her because he was unkind, inconsiderate and cruel. So he didn’t respect himself enough to maintain awareness of his behaviour, and neither did she. They both disrespected themselves, the world and each other.
So in an instant after decades, she understood…
More to the backstory is that there are generations of pain and emotional and mental patterns feeding into these two people and into those around them too. This is unconscious incompetence. Many people operating on a system that they have no awareness of and don’t know. This is a thick, deeply embedded program and a very strong pattern. For her, she had become aware of this when the patterns repeated with her parenting and her children and even for all of the awareness she had, there seemed to be little if any ability to control. Being aware that there was a ‘problem’ of a ‘cycle of abuse’ was simply not enough. Knowing what she wanted to do, was not enough… it took more than that. And a whole lot of trial and error and practice. First, you have to change and stop the war of and bring peace to the mind.
So what I have discovered along the way, yes she being me, is that life becomes increasingly intricate. Which is something some folks call complex. To the untrained eye, what seems simple is actually very detailed and intricate. THIS is the gift of the Creator.
For the main stream media user, music is just music. I like it or I don’t. For the commonplace folk, they like a piece of art or they don’t. For the basic computer user, it works the way they want it to, or it won’t. For the muggle, they are happy with their life or they are not, they are healthy or they are not, life is for them or it is not…
An art student learns about different types of art and media used to make that art. Texture, context, history, era, techniques, brush strokes, religious influences…
A computer technician understands the working components and parts. Software and code. The computer, the device, the internet. Peer to peer connectivity. Virus and Antivirus. Memory, processors, hard drive, desktop, gadgets, applications, utilities, widgets, safe mode and operating systems…
Now…
As a singer I listened to a song and heard the words and the singing and listen to and felt the sense of meaning. And as I started to learn piano I saw how the sheet music is written and I learned the tip of the iceberg of how music is composed and written and how to read and play the notes. I marvelled over the aha of relationships and learning about the complexities of harmony. That the two hands are learned and practiced first for their individual part and then introduced to work together. That introducing them together wasn’t always easy to coordinate. That by sticking with it and working on it, I can teach them to synchronise and work together to create harmony and play a beautiful sound. I learned that in harmony there must be discords. I learned about the ‘discord’ and playing on through into ‘the resolve.’ And how this makes music beautiful. I learn that this all takes time, patience and consistent practice…
Starting to sing with other musicians I discovered that each musicians focus was different and relating to their part. For the guitarist, it’s about the riff and the solo. For the bassist it’s the rhythm. For the drummer it’s the beat. For the singer who starts to transition into singing with a band, I have learned about the different parts. And the way that I hear music has changed, it is now in layers…
That as a holistic therapist I have learned about the different body systems as well as the mental, spiritual and energy bodies and systems. That to look at the body and the individual cells of the body and understand that just as each cell serves a special function and purpose, it is a part of comprising the whole body, we too are all members of the human body. Or for Christians, members of the body of Christ and for Scientists, a particle of the Universe…
Having gone from a muggle ‘life happens to me’ territory and ‘victim’ mentality, I have evolved into a more enlightened, awake and aware individual, growing into interconnected member of the ecosphere circle of life. I have learned, experienced and practiced that I am a co-creator and that what I thought previously has happened to and by me, was actually happening through and with me. That I’ve gone from being unaware and powerless to being empowered and divine. That I can see, hear, taste and touch a small glimmer of my part in creation and the formation and fruition of the bigger picture…
So the more that I learn, understand and know, the more I learn, understand and know that there is so much left yet to still learn, understand and know. And how much I don’t know! That to take a snapshot of a moment in someone’s history or a moment in time and to plant and embed that as who they are is foolish. As equally it is foolish to be in denial and ignore what and where they currently are. That seeing where they are and having compassion, and equally with myself, THAT is the most unconditional levels of understanding and love.
I have lived on both sides of the fence. So I will not judge another as they make the climb in consciousness and equally I have stopped from criticising myself for making a mistake. I will take time. I will take space. I will make mistakes. And I will grow. I might say or do something stupid or foolish, but I will always give my best. And I too will honour the right and responsibility of any other to grow and make mistakes. I now have learned the power of communication with love, compassion and understanding. And I will always be doing what I do, seeing the connections and building bridges to understanding. Opening doors and calling inside the walls to others to come into the freedom. And I will always honour, value and respect another equally to me because we come out of the same jigsaw box with the same bigger picture on top. We just sometimes might be a box within a box, within a box. But ultimately we are all interconnected and made out of the same ‘stuff.’ Pixels.
So you can stay inside the box, or you can step outside that door and enter into a new expanded level of box and another level of box, and another and another. Or you can stay stuck inside, not even necessarily knowing that this is your life. And whether you choose to stay in the dark or come out into the light and find a way to stay awake, everything you do affects the whole. Every thought that you have, every move that you make…
So now, I am asking you: Do you want Judgement, Control, Suffering, Poverty, War and Fear? Or do you want Acceptance, Abundance, Sharing, Peace, Joy and Love? Because no matter what anyone else has told you, the choice really is that simple.
To Be or not to be? To serve or not to serve? THAT is the question.
We are One. And you Matter to me. So I hope that you are willing to accept this invitation to join us on the path of self discovery.
Love,
Giselle The Journey of Becoming One
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