Here we are, over 6 years after my most recent blog post. So much has changed, so much has stayed the same, so much has been discovered, so much has been felt,  so much has been done and so much time has passed.  I recently remembered that I had a blog, found it and decided to return to write in it because I have this sense that I HAVE to write. Events today have led me here to start and I’ve just discovered that I had two blogs running and I hadn’t even known about this one. Life can become a blur…

So, here is what I have come to blog about:

I’ve just spoken with someone who was honest with me and invested time to help me to understand something that will take me to a new level of growth and productivity. You see, many things that have been important to me have been ruined by my lack of focus, aim and knowing what and how to do something as well as a lack of self belief and I didn’t speak. Then when I found my voice, I had moments of connecting with people and moments of disconnecting with people. I didn’t realise that I had disconnect with people because I said too much until very recently.

A few months back I met somebody and they were so important to me because in walked my dream and he seemed to want me. And then events passed and eventually I was consumed in doubt, unworthiness and disbelief. And when I drove him away, I saw that I didn’t even know him and that I had missed out because I spoke too much and I wasn’t listening and wished that I could do it again a different way. What a huge heartbreak, self sabotage and disappointment. And oh my gosh, that has just hit a well of sadness I didn’t know was still in there and I’ve begun to cry.  Emotional release. Insert forgiveness here… I am grateful for this experience and it has changed me. Yes, definitely moments of feeling like a complete and utter failure for screwing it up again because it was a new, better and vastly more amazing Jim. Then there I digress, so let me get back on course…

Several times it has been mentioned that I should blog and I have felt the inner pull, call, push, urge, yet not committed to fully and done. And today I had another message from my group leader, friend, mentor and equal, talk to me about pacing. His message seems to be repeatedly, “Pace, pace, pace, what you are saying is too much for people who are not at your level of development and understanding and so they switch off.” So this time I asked him to explain and to show me, because obviously I was not succeeding if he felt the need to once again remind, emphasise and highlight it to me. I express and share so freely on a what’s app group that we have for his Personal Development group and I’ve pulled back, but again recently and today have posted big share posts and responses to other people’s posts. So we spoke and he explained it to me, in a way that helped. And he said blog, anytime you feel like posting, blog it. Plus the benefit of having a blog is multiple because people can read it who want to read it, they feel invited instead of burdened and as well I have a record of my growth and development. So here I did it.

Another thing that came up is that people have opinions and views of me and my motivations for why I do what I do, make the posts and speak so openly. That is what we do as humans, we make assumptions. But for me it is not about attention seeking, it is about sharing. And what he has said is that all the sharing is a burden for people because I am telling them that it is relevant, so then they virtually have too much piled on them and then feel weighed down because they can’t get to it all easily. And so that is taking from them. I never meant to take anything! But he knows this and as he says, “You are a giving person.” Also, that I comment and share my perspective, my stuff, what I am going through and how I relate to other people’s posts and comments, he says that can be detracting and make a person feel less important because I always bring the conversation back to me. But I don’t mean to, not selfishly. I do that because I am connecting and showing how it is relevant to me, I want others to do the same and tell me about them and how they can relate to me and what I am saying and sharing. I don’t mean to demean or invalidate anybody, because people matter to me. We are all interconnected and fundamentally, on the most basic level of humanity, we are the same. So recognising the impact that I have on other people is a helpful and growth promoting thing to me.

And all of this because somebody took the time to be honest with me. As well as somebody else who had also done so recently. I realise that it isn’t always easy to be honest with people because we don’t know how they can react and it can be really very frightening… And so, I am glad that they did. Hopefully some way, somehow I might be able to mend some of the relationships that I have damaged and at the very least be better prepared for the new ones yet to come still. At the very least, I get to redesign, rewrite, refine and recreate myself. And definitely and always, let it go and let it be.

thank you for reading.

Tremaria x